An Unexpected Easter Season

This is a post that I never pictured myself writing.  Even now, I'm not 100% sure I'm comfortable with sharing, but I feel like it is a part of our story... so here goes nothing.

Ash Wednesday

On Ash Wednesday, the kids and I confirmed some exciting news that we would be adding to our family.  This was 100% in our plan and we were thrilled about it.  I lugged them along to the doctor's office for a blood test and then we went to Mass afterwards.

Ash Wednesday selfies:

Riley's Birthday

Easter was relatively late this year with Riley's birthday falling just the week before Holy Week.  The whole pregnancy something just didn't feel right.  There were no symptoms, physically I felt like I had with the other two.  I can't even describe it, but it just wasn't right.  I can't even count the times that I said to myself, "It's either twins or something is wrong."  I just couldn't shake the feeling.  On April 10, I left school early and headed to the doctor.  My first appointment was scheduled for the following Friday, Good Friday, but I just couldn't wait anymore.  I had the tiniest amount of brown spotting the day before, but had been cramping quite a bit.  I pretty much just called my doctor's office and begged to be seen using these two things as a ploy to get me in.

I arrived at the doctor's office alone and texted Riley that I was there once I had arrived.  I was taken back to have an ultrasound.  The lady confirmed what I had thought to be true, something was wrong. She couldn't find anything in the sac.  Tears streamed down my face as she continued the ultrasound.  She was doing lots of measuring and printing.  To be honest, I was annoyed and ready for it to be over with as it seemed to last forever.  She told me she was sorry and that she was going to go see if my doctor was there.  She returned shortly and I followed her down the hall into an exam room where my doctor came in to talk.  She questioned my date asking if I was sure about how far along I was.  I was sure and she expressed that by this stage, we should be able to see something and they cannot.  She showed me the sonogram photos saying that there were actually two sacs.  One being much larger than the other.  She stated that she wasn't 100% sure as to why there was such a difference in the two sacs, but she was thinking that this was the early stage of miscarrying twins.

Immediately after, I was sent to the lab for blood work to measure hCG levels and barely made it to my vehicle before breaking down completely.  I called Riley and told him.  

I, of course, couldn't miss the opportunity to point out the fact that I really am always right.  I'd thought for weeks that something wasn't right or it was twins... unfortunately I was right on both accounts. 

I called my mom on my drive home.  What else do you do when you feel like your life is falling apart in that very moment.  I spent the rest of the day dealing with my emotions from under a blanket.

Looking back, I feel terrible that this all happened on Riley's birthday, but a big part of me thought that I was going to get to tell Riley that we were expecting twin on his birthday rather than breaking the news of our reality.

The next week and a half are just kind of a blur now.  My hCG levels had been monitored and were dropping.  I spent about five days dealing with the emotional aspect of losing our babies while waiting for the physical aspect to begin.  I'll  spare you the details, but the physical aspect started off slow for the first 3 days.  I ended up leaving school early on Holy Thursday as things were getting worse.  Thursday evening and into Friday morning was absolutely terrible.  I was up most of the night going from heating pad to the bath tub to the shower continually trying to find some sort of relief.

Good Friday

Originally my 10-week appointment was scheduled for Good Friday.  This was going to be the appointment that we took the kids to and told them that we were having a baby.

That appointment was canceled, but in its place was another ultrasound and a quant test of hCG levels to officially confirm the miscarriage.  Several days before I had told Riley that I really wanted it all to be over with the appointment.

Apparently God heard that request because after a long night of pain worse than birthing Ollie and Pais, I miscarried our twins.  Everything passed less than 2 hours before our scheduled appointment.

Friday morning we dropped the kids off at daycare and went to the appointment.  It was confirmed, nothing was left and my hCG levels were continuing to drop.

Afterwards, we picked up the kids and went home to pack up for Easter in Horton.  I didn't really feel like going, but it was better than sitting around thinking about everything.  I welcomed the distraction, but was physically and emotionally exhausted.  

Easter Sunday

Easter Sunday was a bit difficult because this was the day we had originally planned on sharing our news that we were adding to our family.  We announced that we were expecting Oliver on Independence Day and Paisley at Christmas so we figured we'd keep the holiday tradition going with Easter.

I, of course, had it planned out weeks before.  I had purchased these big, shiny eggs from Target with the intention of putting an ultrasound picture inside.  I had even bought two (back at the beginning of March) because I really, really thought that we were having twins and figured if I was wrong then we would just use one egg for my parents and the other egg for Riley's parents.  

We obviously never got to use those eggs and they are sitting in a closet at home as I just can't bare to get rid of them quite yet.

I don't really know what else to say.  It's been an emotional roller coaster and I'm still riding.  Looking back, it is unbelievable to me that this whole journey took place during the Easter season.  Start to finish - Ash Wednesday to Easter Sunday.  I'm at peace knowing that God definitely had a hand in our journey and he'll watch after them until we can be together someday.